White Lightning.

November 8, 2011

Sometimes when you write in a blog, you run out of interesting or informative things to say.  Pretty easy fix, right?  Post some videos of people lifting or write a public service announcement telling everyone to eat more protein.  But the thing about writing (and anything else I suppose) is that if you do it enough, it becomes habit.  So when Tuesday night rolls around and I think to myself, “Oh shit, I haven’t written anything this week,” I actually find myself worrying if I can think of anything interesting to talk about.  But then I remember that it’s my dumb blog anyways and if I think something is interesting, then it is.  So here’s a really informative article on how to fuck with your friends.

A couple years ago, I used to work in the central receiving area in a big office building.  I was known as the big, brown, strong guy with long hair who would move boxes to and from specified locations.  So basically, I was Joe Awesome.  They might as well have made me CEO based solely on the fact that I was the biggest, brownest, strongest dude in the whole company.  Luckily enough, I worked in the same department as my best friend, White Lightning.  White Lightning is his code name as to preserve his identity.  Mine is Brown Thunder.  (He brings the shock, I bring the AWWW YEAH!).  We worked together, ate lunch together, took naps together, it was basically a bromance movie set in an office building.

Like I said before, my job involved a lot of lifting and moving boxes.  When we would get really backed up with work, I was allowed to take White Lightning with me and we would move boxes together, which at times would end up in shenanigans.  On an especially busy day for box moving, White Lightning and I got a call to move 40+ boxes in a span of about 10 minutes.  A tremendous feat for a normal man, but box movin’ is what I do best.  And with White Lightning at my side, we’d be sure to make it in one trip with time to spare.  We hiked over to the pick-up point and began moving and loading at a feverish pace, so feverish in fact that I knew I had to do something to fuck it up.  I was doing the moving and he was doing the loading, so I did the simplest yet most assholish thing I could think of.  I handed him the next box and when he grabbed it, I refused to let go.  I could see the confusion in his eyes.  Well, at first it was confusion but it quickly turned to anger because when he looked up, he had to endure the smug look of satisfaction that was upon my face.  “I fuckin’ got you good, asshole.”  I didn’t even have to say it.  That was the day that everything changed.

You have to understand, we worked together.  We had to hand each other things ALL the time.  And on top of that, we would hang out together on the weekends so there was no letting your guard down.  Our relationship had become based on a mutual distrust and a general sense of uneasiness.  We would go months before someone would finally slip up.  And when it happened, the loser had to endure the knowledge that he had been bested by the other man.  It got even worse when we both got transferred to the mail room.  I would literally waste entire days plotting and waiting for the right moment to strike.

It’s a terrible game and it ruins lives.  Here’s how you play:

1)       If you hand your buddy something but hold onto it as he tries to gain possession of the item, then you win.

2)      If you hand your buddy something but upon the exchange, he pauses and looks you in the eye, acknowledging that he is either aware of your scheme or simply doesn’t trust you, then no points are awarded.  Note: this must take place before he attempts to gain control of the item.

3)      The game continues anytime and at any location.  If I am on my death bed and White Lightning hands me my pain medication but then refuses to give control at the point of exchange, I will die an unhappy and broken man.

I’m on to you, White Lightning.

4 Responses to “White Lightning.”

  1. Terri with a heart over the "i" said

    I love office games. I have one, the “rules” are as follows:

    Go up to a coworker with a legitimate conversation topic in mind. Something like “did you get that email about the deadline change? I’ll need DumbFile.xls by 4:00p tomorrow.” Something totally inconspicuous.

    After beginning the legitimate conversation, hand your coworker something. A pen, staple remover, sheet of paper, whatever. Focus on the conversation and make sure to keep them engaged even while handing them something.

    Points are awarded if your coworker accepts the item handed to them without question. Obviously, more points are awarded for bizarre items, but that is not easy to pull off. Points are deducted if your coworker questions you about the item you hand them.

  2. DanimeanZorro said

    This post made me laugh so hard dude.
    Upper managemen always treated me and my coworkers like shit so I would add letters on anything I could to make dirty phrases, words, or just 8=D’s in high traffic areas for someone to find.

    Someone wrote “smell this pen” on one of the various whiteboards around to draw attention to a new pen that smelled like apples. I did the honorable thing and threw an “is” on the end of pen, and continued my day without saying anything. Management was not happy. It was my mark of Zorro that other coworkers could see and know someone was hating their day too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: